Domestic violence is not a new issue in the military. It is also not a small issue. According to a December 2019 report to Congress titled, “Military Families and Intimate Partner Violence: Background and Issues for Congress,” there were 16,912 reported incidents in Fiscal Year 2018, and “there has been little change in the rate or number of reported incidents . . .since FY2009.” In fact, there has been little change in more than twenty years, as there were more than 18,000 reports annually as far back as 2001. And these are just the reported incidents.
In 2015, Lara Sabanosh’s husband, a civilian worker at Guantanamo Bay’s Naval Base, was found dead. Lara was left to deal with the aftermath of what took place at the time, and the events leading up to that moment, forcing her to examine more than twenty years of abuse and the denial and deceits that occur in all households subjected to domestic violence.
Lara’s experience reveals the human side of these statistics. And as with nearly all trauma, there is a measure of healing to be gained in the sharing of her story— healing not just for herself and her family, but for others who, like Lara, have encountered domestic violence.
Excerpts from our exclusive interview with Lara:
Tell us a little about your background and how you came to be at Guantanamo Bay?
My husband began working for the Navy Exchange around 2004. As his career advanced and opportunities for him came available, he accepted them. And so we relocated every few years. NAS Guantanamo Bay became available on Valentine’s Day 2011. At dinner he announced the position and our transition. I knew of the possibility. We were hanging on by a thread, our family was broken. My husband painted a utopic picture: no bills, pay off our debt, no rent or utilities…no stress.
After 15 years of marriage, his DUIs and tickets, failed marriage counseling, his alcohol counseling, welfare, the abuse…the loneliness…the fear…I believed this would fix him – us
Can you describe the events that led up to your husband’s disappearance in January of 2015?
GTMO did not “fix” him or us. What GTMO did was show me I had had enough and I could be on my own, independent of someone who had spent years abusing me. I recognized I had the abilities to stand on my own.
In 2014, I made my feelings known to my husband and asked for a divorce. This was met with an escalation of the abuse I had known in our marriage and a reminder from him that my life was a gift from him, and he could take it away at any time. Like many victims, the fear, and the compounding knowledge that I had more than myself to protect, took over.
I acquiesced to his demands and felt more of myself slipping away, hoping he would come to reason that this was not a healthy life for us to live.
When you began to explore your years of domestic violence, what was the reaction of those around you?
Mixed. For those who knew about the abuse, which had been there for both myself and my daughters, their support has been unwavering. For some, CAGED represents an answer to an uncomfortable question they had about what they had no proof of but could only guess as to what was happening inside of our household.
Lastly, there are those who still hold on to “but he was such a nice guy,” even if they never met him, only were an acquaintance, had not seen him in years, or have chosen to recreate a man who did not exist.
A common question people have around domestic violence is “why didn’t you seek help sooner?” What is your response to that?
This question used to make me upset. It places the blame on the victim. The assumption is I did not ask for help. As time has passed, I find this question, and others like it, a quick response for people who do not understand. I, like many others who have been in my position, are not abused in silence. At one point, I had even obtained an emergency protective order.
Abuse of all kinds, whether physical, mental, sexual and/or financial, sinks deeply in a victim’s core. Who we were begins to slip away, who our abuser expects begins to take hold. “Why don’t we seek help sooner?” We take on the shame for the abuse, we take on the blame for their behavior, we think if we were something different than everything would be okay.
During all that time you had a successful career and the respect of your colleagues. How were you able to live in two different worlds?
Going to work was an escape for me. It was the only time I was able to be around people and be an individual. Even if only temporary, I could step out of my personal roller coaster and hide.
GTMO was the first time I held a career position full time and the opportunity for real advancement. As time went on, the ability to separate my worlds slowly dissipated.
How did you manage to support and shield your daughters, given the publicity around your husband’s death?
My daughters and I, like everyone else, saw the explosion in the media. There was no heads up, there was no “heads up” on publicity – it was just there. My daughters were young women at the time, not children, but they were my children and for this I wanted to create a wall.
An impossible wall in this moment. What proved stronger than a wall and continues today is our unwavering communication, unconditional love and that we are mentally, emotionally, and physically there for each other – anytime. We all lived in the same house. We all share trauma. We share our journey. We share our individual triumphs each day.
You have two doctoral degrees and are retired from government service, now residing quietly in Florida, surrounded by loving family, dogs, and grand puppies. Can you talk a little about how you went about rebuilding your life and what drove you to keep going despite the challenges?
Challenges will be there every day. It is easy to let so much of the past pile on and hold me back. There are good days and bad days. But it is the good days, my daughters, the loving family, the supportive friends, and our “fur-babies” my daughters and I have surrounded ourselves with that continuously overshadow the negative. Today, I am a mother, survivor of domestic violence, author, and advocate. I spent my professional life working to help others.
Whether through volunteer efforts or career, I have assisted families, individuals, and children—civilian and military—in finding and reaching their emotional, educational, or professional goals. I have since retired from professional civilian and public sector roles; the choice to continue to assist others continues.
What advice would you like to share with others who are eager to rebuild their life after experiencing similar trauma?
You are not alone. Many of us, as victims and survivors, lose the ability to trust; we question ourselves and others. What helps is finding safe connections to rebuild, through therapy or groups. Remembering and reconnecting with ourselves – not a version someone else wanted us to be – getting back to me.
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